A New Life in Christ
“JeeeeSUS!”
Coach Blake’s voice booms effortlessly above the music and clanging of weights as he gives a periodic shout-out to our Savior during the 5:00 a.m. circuit class. These workouts are an entirely different level of tough for me, but I often catch myself smiling as my eyes scan the walls filled with scripture and words to honor the Lord. I joined this gym hoping to get in better shape— I didn’t expect the blessings that have come, and I didn’t expect it to strengthen my faith but it has. I’ve always made fitness a priority but what makes this experience different is the owners love Jesus, and the gym actually feels like a place the Lord prepared just for me.
The owner, Blake, is around the same age as my two sons and he remembers them from high school. Coach Blake has a beautiful wife and five precious children, and it’s obvious he builds his life on the foundation of Christ. I was hesitant at first, but because I knew Blake was a believer and knows my sons personally, I felt compelled to send him a copy of our book, “Counting Spoons”. It always feels a bit uncomfortable when someone knows me now, and then reads about who I was then. Coach is only nine chapters in, but he said something that spoke truth to my heart...
“Kathryn, I don’t know you very well but I do know you have a light and gentle spirit, but that’s not who I’m reading about in Counting Spoons. It’s your story and correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like before Christ you spent a lifetime counting spoons—in other words, trying to control everything around you, and carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders like you didn’t need anyone. It’s obvious the Lord has changed your life!”
My voice cracked with emotion when I responded, “You’re absolutely right. Praise Jesus.”
Then coach challenged me to share my testimony not only about my son’s journey through addiction, but about how Christ changed me, and he said to be loud about it. I’ve been thinking about writing this all week, and I don’t know whether to thank Blake or be annoyed with him. Ha! Yes, I am super grateful, of course I am, but let me tell you, it’s been an emotional few days thinking about how to put my transformation in Christ into words, but I’ll try…
I lived a lot of life before I knew Jesus. I didn’t discover my need for a savior until my mid-fifties. I don’t know if this is true for others, but I feel like since I was so late coming into my faith, God has me on some kind of Gospel fast-track that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and breathless at times. Not in a negative way, but in a what-a-wonderful-loving-and-gracious-God-we-have way.
Growing up I believed in God and sometimes went to church, but I did not know Jesus. Before Christ, being in control was always a thing for me and it manifested itself in interesting ways. When life felt out of control I went into action mode. I felt like I had to take the lead and do something quick. Back in the 70’s when I was a little girl, I remember a day when I was feeling uneasy about something and I didn’t know what to do about it so I vacuumed our green shag living room carpet using the handheld tool. On my hands and knees, I spent a good hour vacuuming perfect lines across the entire carpet. I remember hopping on one foot across the room so I didn’t mess up the lines as I ran to show mom what I had done. She was thrilled. It looked perfect. I don’t remember what was bothering me that day, but I do remember feeling back in control after I finished vacuuming. Something inside of me felt calmer and more settled.
Over the years I adopted more practices that helped me feel in control, most of them were good things – maintain order always, stay organized, make my bed every day, speak up, push hard, show up early, prepare ahead of time, be ready be ready be ready. Ready for what I’m not exactly sure, but for my entire life I have felt like I was preparing for some sort of battle—a phone call that would change everything, somebody needing something from me, an emergency, or bad news maybe? I just knew I needed to be ready to show-up and be strong.
As I grew up, I became more confident in my perceived strength and wisdom. I had very clear opinions on what was right and what was wrong and I had no problem speaking up for what I believed. I was prideful. I thought I knew it all. I was often put in a position to advocate for people I love and became quite good at getting the results I wanted. I thought I was tough enough to manage anything life threw at me, and for a long time I was exactly that.
But there was a cost.
When I became a mom my focus shifted to my children—my protective instincts heightened and my need for control did, too. Life was beautiful in many ways but man, was it hard. Over time the pressures grew more intense—a long and ugly divorce, being a single parent, loss, grief, extended family struggles, financial hardship, and the pressure to do it all weighed heavy like stones on my back. Don’t get me wrong, there was love and joy in those days, too. I was surrounded by people that supported me and there were more blessings than I could count, but there was struggle. There was an emptiness inside of me that I did not understand.
The more difficult life got the more determined I was to not let it affect me, but it did. I was so busy trying to control my environment and protect the people I loved that I found it difficult to catch my breath. It felt like the world had conspired to pull me down and I was tired. My heart was heavy. I was deep-in-my soul weary.
I pressed on as the world kept throwing me blows, and the burdens I was carrying kept getting heavier and heavier. The sleepless nights, digging for strength, gripping for control, stifling my rage, holding back tears and living in a constant state of worry and fear was not enough to break me— I still thought I was strong enough. I thought I was equipped to manage it all until my youngest son’s addiction became so real and so terrifying that I was certain he would die, and I thought I might, too. That’s when I came to what felt like the end of myself.
But it was not the end.
It was the beginning of what would become the most beautiful blessing I’ve ever experienced.
A new life in Christ.
There is not one thing in this world better than knowing Jesus.
That night when I broke into a million pieces and unexpectedly surrendered my life to Christ, slowly, consistently, and in profound and dramatic ways I began to change.
It was as if Jesus whispered to me in the most loving and gentle voice…
“You are not who you think you are. You are not made to carry all these burdens. Let it be Me you come to. I am all you need.”
He had my attention.
I listened to His loving words, and I began to turn to Him.
Slowly over the days, months, and years since my surrender, He completely changed my life. In Him, I found freedom and my burdens were lifted.
My worries have turned into endless prayers that leave me feeling uplifted instead of depleted.
When troubles come, and they do come, instead of looking for ways to fix things myself, I ask God to show me the way and light my path.
My prideful ways have softened into humility—I’m not trying to prove anything to anybody and I no longer have a need to be right. I just want to live in a way that is pleasing to God.
I do the best I can and then I give it to God because I know I’m weak and not strong enough to handle it all. I don’t have to be that person anymore because I can turn to the One that is all-powerful and almighty.
And that peace you hear Christians speak of? It’s true. I can be standing in the middle of chaos and there is still peace. Peace that makes no sense. Peace and hope that is only found in Christ.
I am learning to be still, and to rest in Jesus. I have felt the depths of His love and the abundance of His grace. I know that God really is in control of everything, and I don’t need to be. And I have learned that God has always been with me, long before I knew Him.
I think about the old me often. I think about that little girl vacuuming the carpet in such a frenzy, making my bed with precision, holding back tears, kicking away anger, hiding my fears and weakness and trying so hard to be brave, and I wish she would have known the love of Jesus back then. I wish I would have met Christ when I was young. Life would have been so much easier, but that was not the way it was intended to be. I would not be who I am today, and I like who I am—a weak and broken sinner who loves Jesus and depends on Him for everything.
There are still times when my flesh takes over and I get prideful and seek control like I used to, but it doesn’t last long. I quickly reset and remember who I am and whose I am— a daughter of the King!
Amen. Praise God. Hallelujah!
Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (NLT)
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (NLT)